You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
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Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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