Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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