I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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