I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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