you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
