wanna go halves on a baby?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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