R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
