last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
