she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
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And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
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Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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