I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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