It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
