You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
