Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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