Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
