I cut my penus on the lid.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
