Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
