You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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