I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
ttyl tear gas
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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