Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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