i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
As shirtless as possible
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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