who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
