I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
