i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
