genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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