walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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