and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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