I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
false alarm. still invincible.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
