Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
