Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
