My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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