mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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