Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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