If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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