What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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