He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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