did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize