I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
