Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
