I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize
