Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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