reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
