i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
