Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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