I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably