i woke up with socks on this morning
i didnt wear socks last night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
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I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
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I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul