My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic