He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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