sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
