I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
