I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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