My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
