did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
