4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom