I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26