Don't make out with my wife yet
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been