There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
