Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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