if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The air was thick with penises
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
