I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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