You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
