Acid is not a monday night drug
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
