I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
