I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
