I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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